Title: Blinded by the light
Pairing: Yabu Kota/Yaotome Hikaru
Warnings: Psychological thriller (maybe?) Violence and rape. It's not a funny story!
Summary: Yabu Kota is a high achieving student with too much on his mind. With Hikaru he can feel calm despite his dark past but although he tries to repress his memories he can't run away from himself.
The pain pierced him and he had to force himself not to scream. Everything that had been on his mind just fifteen minutes ago was now totally washed away. The pain was like a shower that healed his thoughts.
Ever since so long he had always had way too much in his head. He could find himself thinking of many problems at once and have a dialogue with himself.
Now everything was gone. With every single thrust the boy above him made he just felt even more hollow and free. With every gasp escaping from the other’s mouth he could reover a little bit.
Yabu Kota had always thought in both pictures and text. The pictures, mixtures of light and color, would rush through his head like flashes in an unstoppable slideshow. Of course he had eventually adapted to it and could sort the important things out and leave the hurting and damaging pictures in his subconscious. But he couldn’t control the text. It didn’t matter where he was, even if he was asleep or awake. He could still hear voices talk to him and repeat the same thing over and over. Be a good boy, Kota. It’s funny, isn’t it!? How just one little sentence can ruin someone’s life.
The moment Yabu had seen him for the first time had been like a revolution. He had walked with one of his fellow students heading for a bar in their neighborhood. They had to do a school project in which they would acquaint themselves with a company and its way to be run. His mate was the kind of boy who would stand and laugh while a doomed prisoner went back to jail, why else would he study law? Also when they were given the task it was obviously he that picked the sloppiest bar in town. But this boy was the only person he could call a friend so he had since a long time decided not to question him.
A boy, around his age, had sat in a corner brightly chatting with the owner of the place. He seemed to have been there forever, yet no one could have told just by looking at his presence that there had been a party last night. Although he looked just like a person people would associate with that kind of place he seemed to stand out from the background. Like the only three-dimensional object in a two-dimensional area. When the boy turned his head and their gazes met the whole world stopped. He had never really believed in that someone could see into another’s mind by just looking the person in the eye, but at that moment he knew that the other boy read him like a book, page by page. Normally he would worry about what his mind could reveal but what was the point when this boy already knew all secrets he had desperately tried to hide for so many years. Himself he could see absolutely nothing in the boy’s brown eyes and it made him want him so bad. The other boy looked in an other direction and, as if those eyes had been what made him able to stand straight, Yabu fainted.
Yabu learned early that he couldn’t stand it when someone was disappointed with him. He was only eight years old when he came home from school with the results from his very first test. His mother hadn’t meant to hurt him, of course it must’ve disappointed her when her very own child wasn’t as talented as herself. You know you can do better next time, right? You’re just not used to it yet. Do better next time. Be a good boy, Kota.
In the following test he did everything correct. And in every single test after that. He just couldn’t stand that look on his mother’s face.
The second time he had met him was just like the first. He got to know his name. Yaotome Hikaru. Hikaru means light. And he sure lighted up Yabu’s life but ruined it at the same time. Yabu started to visit the bar as often he could and he soon started to visit Hikaru in his home too. They didn’t talk much and Yabu still had no idea what kind of person the other really was but he made him happy and that was the main point. He didn’t have to act like someone he wasn’t in Hikaru’s presence and it felt like everything he had done wrong was forgiven when he sat, silently watching the boy. He never once thought of Hikaru’s feelings. He couldn’t see them right before him so the effort would just be waste of time.
Eventually Hikaru would get tired from this. Humans are selfish, everything we do we do because we will, somehow, gain something from it. When we help someone we do it because we want something in return, or we just can’t stand the feeling of seeing someone hurt.
Maybe this selfishness, or just the fact that he had always planned to, was the reason to that Hikaru, one day when he’d had enough, pushed Yabu inside his apartment and threw himself on top of him on the bed. Yabu had not expected it and didn’t know the reason. It scared him to death but the same feelings he always felt when he was near Hikaru, the feeling of easiness, came to him so he let Hikaru do whatever he wanted.
He could have run. He could have escaped from the light before he was blinded, but would it make a difference when he couldn’t run from himself?
Yabu had once in his life failed a test. He had been sick and no one in his class had bothered to tell him about the approaching test so he had to take it although he hadn’t studied. That night was the second time he had to stand his mother’s disappointed face. Words exploded in his head, saying be a good boy, Kota, and he couldn’t see or think.
But he had to get rid of the voice and the face before his eyes, so he simply smashed it away. He threw everything that was on the laid dining table and for every time he could hear a plate or glass hit and for every drop of blood spraying his face, the voices became lower and lower and the picture became more and more transparent.
When he could see clearly again his mother still had disappointed look on her face. And she would never again have another expression.
A little tear escaped from the corner of his eye. The boy above him was heavy and showed no signs of mercy. His body was hurt but he couldn’t care less. The one little tear became a flood, a flood of pain rushing out from his body leaving him undamaged and clean. The tears wouldn’t stop and he screamed on top of his lungs until the echo of his own scream rushed through his head and his body until he couldn’t control himself anymore.
Hikaru pushed out of him and Yabu threw himself back and forth in the bed, desperately trying to get away from himself. He felt strong arms hugging him, taking him to cloud nine. He looked up in Hikaru’s eyes and for the first time he could see the boy’s feelings.
His eyes had a matt sparkle and they pierced him like lasers, cutting him into small nonexistent pieces. The last thing Yabu would ever see was these devastating, yet so beautiful, eyes, and then the fragments of his soul evaporated and disappeared from actuality.
A/N: The first JE fic I actually post!! So be nice XD
Wow, I really can't believe it came out of my head. I must be insane writing something like this (and sharing!).
It's an awful story, isn't it? But you're free to interpret it however you want.
Thanks to my friend Rebecca for being my beta and also helping me with the title<3
Comments and constructive criticism are highly appreciated!
Also please tell me if you find mistakes in spelling or grammar (even if just an apostrophe is missing). I want it perfect! XD